Nicole

11.30pm

2011-12-04T23:27:00.001+08:00

I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I'm not naive. I know what it's like to be completely broken, and I'm all too familiar with what it feels like to be hurt. I know what it's like to see something funny and not laugh. I've been taken advantage of and used. My feelings have been blatantly disregarded. But I still believe that all people are good at heart. And my trust has not diminished. And to be honest, I hope it never does.

Pain

2011-10-22T12:51:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was seriously life changing, as I have never ever felt so pathetic in my life before. I've never heard so much hurtful words at one shot before, and never have I felt so worthless before. In any case, I can't take another repeat of yesterday. The pain was unbearable.
And I thought that I was strong but I knew that all along, this was out of my control. It hurts, it really does. But I have no right to even show that now.

This was never anyone's fault. We were just victims of our own expectations.

Cause tonight I'm feeling like an astronaut

2011-10-20T13:28:00.000+08:00

I am feeling terribly bored right now, sitting in front of the computer doing nothing which is why I ended up with this post - to ease my boredom.

There's gonna be one week holiday for Deepavali and as usual, I shall rot into nothingness throughout the whole week. And yes I can be pretty lifeless most of the time. Don't ask me why am I not revising for my exams. It's not like I don't know that I don't have much time left for it, I just can't seem to find the mood for it, yet. But trust me, I will, soon enough. Probably tonight lol :)

Well, just a couple of days ago, I met a guy who really caught my attention at the Stadium Badminton KL, since my brother had some kinda badminton competition there. That particular guy was one of the participant who took part in the badminton competition, and he's uhh, really really committed in the competition which attracted me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in love lol. Because even my parents couldn't help but to agree that his fighting spirit was really strong. He was very tired as we can see but yet he didn't give up and strove all the way in. Now how's that? Guys like these are really attractive :) Oh, and guess what. I found his Facebook without even knowing his name, or anything about him! I'm one potential stalker, man.

Speaking of which, this is a bad time of the year.

Too many things to rush before the STPM exams.

I'm having my IELTS english exam tomorrow. Paid RM570 for it, damn expensive. I really cannot afford to get less than band 7. My aim is to get at least band 8 since band 9 is the highest. IT'S A MUST. And like what my teacher said, I've gotta stay focus tomorrow NO MATTER WHAT. I don't wanna flunk this paper, I cannot. I only get one shot, so basically it's like a now-or-never thing.

Bummer, now I realized that this whole IELTS thingy is really important to me. Gotta start reading some english books later for some preparation for the essay part.

& a special thanks to my amazing BFF, Carina Yeoh.

Though I hate you sometimes for those shitty things you keep commenting about me, or the way you never fail to piss me off with your irritating and loud laughter or for just about anything, yet when everything falls apart, you're the one there for me. Thank you for that special thingy you made just for me. Even though it's just a few simple words, but it's really enough for me. Arigato my bitch aka Baby Putz :)

Not to forget, Desmond. I have never expected you to be the one talking to me for so long since you've given me the shy-boy image all the time. Hahaha, oh and the silly video you showed was pretty lame. But yeah, thanks. At least you made an effort to cheer me up :)

P/s: Check out on this song, a song which I just found out on Youtube - Simple Plan's "Astronaut" :)

Self worth

2011-10-05T22:59:00.007+08:00

There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. It wasn't cause I thought I'd be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It's easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.

I've made mistakes in my life, I've let people take advantage of me and I've accepted way less than I deserve. But I've learned from my bad choices and even though there are some things I can never get back and people who will never be truly sorry, I'll know better next time and I won't settle for anything less than I deserve.

我发现我又开始过渡依赖你了.
请原谅我的疏远, 因为我害怕再次受伤.
这种感觉你能体谅吗?

Not giving up just yet

2011-09-06T22:08:00.008+08:00

It's the first day of my STPM trials and the first paper was Business Paper 1. Yeah, fuck this shit. I'm well known for being a noob and idiot when it comes to number, so basically subjects which are related to numbers are like hell to me. Not kidding. Truth be told, I got only C for my UPSR. Sad life lol. And which smart ass said that all chinese or asians must be good in numbers? I'm the exception okay :) Haha whatever.

Anyway, I've been working really hard for this paper. Maybe it's because I started to feel that studies are very important to me now. I really can't afford to fail any subject, be it Business Paper or not. I know very well that I won't be able to get 4.0 CGPA, but at least I don't wanna fail my papers. Time is running out for me, I can't laze around any longer.

To be frank, I really gave up on my Form 6 studies at one point, because I felt that this isn't what I wanted. I felt that it's very difficult, very tough and it's impossible for me to actually gain high scores in all the subjects. (In fact it still is.) But then again, after all the advises and motivation given to me, by my friends and family or even relatives, I realized that in every situation, we have the opportunity whether to look things from a different perspective or I would rather say, a different angle.

Most of us tend to choose to look at the negative side and ignore the rest. It's so easy for our mood to get ruined because we let it. We let it get to us, so it changes our 'mood'. And I learnt that if you look at something from a positive perspective, things will change. There’s always a silver lining for everything :)

It's strange how I sound so positive now. HAHAHA I'm afterall well-known for being someone who's very negative and emotional lol. Maybe I have matured!

-Okay, enough of the self-conscious moments- :p

Anyways, it's the second paper tomorrow and it's...

It's...

Yes, Art Paper 1.

Lots of memorization required also.

I'm never good in memorizing stuffs okay, besides song lyrics.

Big big sigh!

Kill. Me. Please.

Alright, don't wanna delay any longer.

Back to books! Good night people :)

Too little too late

2011-09-02T23:19:00.001+08:00

If you asked me a year ago, I would have told you what you wanted to hear.

Now, I know I can't please everyone, and I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings.

I can't make myself unhappy to please you, and I won't try.

Just wanted to say that...

2011-08-13T21:58:00.004+08:00

I used to always chase people around like a lost puppy.

I used to devote all my time and effort into trying to fix friendships. I used to always be the one who apologizes, no matter who's at fault. I used to do everything I could, just to keep my 'friends' around for a little longer. But all that resulted in was me getting hurt.

The lesson I've learnt? People leave, whether you want them or not. Even if you try to stop them, it's only before long that they walk out the door. Only bother with people who will do the same for you.

I'm too dependent. I trust too easily. I fall too hard.

I rely on others way too much. I know I need to fight my own battles, but I always feel so small around others. I always tell myself to be cautious and let people earn my trust, but when the time comes, I hand out trust as if it were nothing. And then when people break my trust, I tell myself that this won't happen again, there won't be a next time. I'll keep things to myself, bottle things up, I won't get hurt again. I tell myself that no one is ever worth the pain. I tell myself I'll be okay without others, that I don't need anyone to make me happy. I tell myself that if I get close to anyone, in the end, they’ll end up hurting me.

But I never learn. And so the cycle repeats.

Very very stupid, dumb and pathetic. Yes I know. But still, there are people who put up with all my shits, emo-ness and all. And so...

Thanks to everyone out there and espescially my friends who has tried cheering me up when I was feeling down, I feel so lucky to have people like you in my life. It's awesome when everything comes falling apart drastically and people like you guys come around and pick me up :)

I can say it's prolly the reason why I'm happy right now.

Although the world comes falling apart, it's for a reason.

You just have to pick yourself up and move on.

Isn't that what life is meant for?

I have now learnt that when you lose something that you really treasure, you gain something even more important. Well, stress over nothing, cause I'm practically lazing around everyday not doing anything!

This is somewhat a wordy post, but at least something to update you guys on my life right? :)

I didn’t change. I just grew up.

2011-08-11T21:58:00.002+08:00

It's crazy how fast everything is going. Year after year, it seems like it gets faster and faster. I honestly can't believe how much I've grown and how much I've changed. I miss it when I was younger, though. When life was easy.. School wasn't dead on serious and hard. Where relationships didn't have much of a significance as it does now. Where I had no worries. Where I could just chill and relax. But now that I'm growing up, everything is changing. It's a bittersweet feeling but everyday is another blessing :)

And guess what, Nicole's back to revive her dead blog.

xoxo!

Breaking down

2011-06-15T22:07:00.002+08:00

Lately it's been hard for me to put on a real smile. It's been hard for me to be optimistic and positive on things when everything is just bringing and weighing me down. People ask if I'm okay and I just reply that I'm fine with a fake smirk that takes so much strength to put on.

I feel like I can break down into tears at any second. I feel like a certain song or something that can take me back will eventually leave me in my own tears. I want to feel as okay as I say that I am. I want to feel like everything is okay. Lately.. It's just been hard. I'm trying to find the strength. I'm just trying.
Because...

Nobody knows how many times I've faked a smile, how many times I've cried, how many times I've been hurt.
Nobody knows how many times I've had to hold back my tears, how many times I've been let down, how many times I've been walked out on.
Nobody knows how many times I've felt like falling apart but I keep it together for those around me, how many times I've been kicked when I was down, how many times I scream.
Nobody knows how many times I've forgotten how it feels to be happy, or how long I've been waiting for things to get better.
Sometimes I wonder who knows the difference between how I pretend I feel and how I truly feel.

NIC-tionary

2011-03-21T22:33:00.002+08:00

I don’t want to be someone that complains about everything all the time.

I don’t want to be someone that hates my parents for not giving me enough.

I don’t want to be someone that only knows how to criticize others.

I don’t want to be someone that is unhappy about my life all the time.

I WANT to be happy.

I WANT to be nice.

I WANT to be kind.

I WANT to be loving.

I WANT to be forgiving.

I WANT to be accepting.

I WANT to be unforgettable :)

Watch me, as I change.

Crossroads?

2011-03-19T17:12:00.007+08:00

I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. I've always been the type of person who doesn't like to think ahead in the future, but recently my mom's been pushing me to think about what I actually want in my life, career wise. I really don't know. There's so many different things in the world I want to do and I can't just choose one. I've reached a crossroad and I have no idea which road to take.

Dear 2010,

2010-12-30T15:29:00.000+08:00

You’re coming to an end. You arrived too quickly and you’re already leaving us. Thank you for all the memories I got to cherish with you. Fuck you for all the drama that happened. But thank you for teaching me new things, new lessons, meeting new people, and becoming somewhat of a better person.

2011, you have a lot to fulfill.

Trust issues

2010-12-26T18:31:00.002+08:00

I can’t trust you anymore and I guess, I will start living my life all over again. Your words are not enough to make me believe that everything will happen.

I gave you my trust but you broke it. You broke it, you broke it. So, don’t expect that I would be the same person that you knew before. I changed.

Yes, I've changed.

Coming back,

2010-12-10T15:41:00.001+08:00

I thought would’ve been so much harder than before.

But being away from the people I loved so much and letting them stay in contact with me, felt like we all grew closer in ways that we couldn’t see.

So, I am glad to be back.